Rabid Fangirls
by Icedragon316
Summary: Sasuke and Itachi are chased by... you guessed it, rabid fangirls. Forced to take refuge in Naruto's apartment, who will save them? Major Sakura-bashing, surprise hero (not OC), and general sugar high-induced fun. Read me!
1. Default Chapter

Warning! This entire story was written on sugar high! Complete randomness and scariness ahead! Sakura-bashing galore! If you like Sakura, get very very far away from me and this story! For your own safety! I will now stop ending in exclamation points!

Rabid Fangirls

One day Sakura was thinking about how hot and absolutely-to-die-for Sasuke-kun was, and decided to go stalk him for a while and possibly steal some of his hair as a souvenir to cuddle at night. She put on her prettiest dress (which, by pure chance, happened to be the one that she wears every single day) and put on her prettiest make-up and was ever so careful to brush her hair until it was perfect and stood admiring herself in the mirror for about 5 minutes until she felt positively irresistible. "Hmm, Sasuke-kun will definitely want to go out on a date with me after he sees how pretty I look!" she said to herself, smiling happily and walking out the door to go to Sasuke's house. Along the way she ran into Naruto (literally). "Sakura-chan! I'm so sorry, or you alright?" Naruto said in his nicest possible voice because he really was sorry and he thought Sakura looked extra pretty even though she looked the same as she always did. Sakura was not as nice. "YOU BEEPING BASTARD! STAY AWAY FROM ME!" she squealed and pushed poor Naruto out of the way as she pouted and stomped down the road, leaving Naruto to gaze sorrowfully after.

_'Jeez, that idiot, he should die in a fiery pit of hell!'_ thought inner Sakura, fuming. _'Damn him!'_ Then she finally reached Sasuke's humongous house. She blazed with confidence and rang the doorbell once, waiting respectfully for her beloved to open the door and welcome her into his waiting arms.

However, Sasuke had enough experience with fangirls to know to look out the window to see who was at the door.

Sakura, after waiting for several minutes, rang again and still received no answer. "Sasuke-kun?" she called loudly. "It's me, your beautiful Sakura-chan!" Sasuke wasn't going to open the door unless his brother was outside, and that was only because he wanted to rip his aniki's guts out and smear them all over the ground. And just for Sakura's luck, Itachi decided to make his appearance just then. He got right up behind Sakura (with his awesome ninja skills) and said softly through the keyhole,

"Sasuke, I'm her to traumatize you again..."

Sasuke, who had been right on the other side willing his telepathic powers to make Sakura leave, instantly ripped the door off its hinges to get at his brother.

"You bastard, I'll kill you!" Sasuke shouted as he started up the Chidori and charging at his brother, who had somehow or other moved about 20 feet away. Almost like he was expecting his little brother to do that. Imagine that. Itachi decided that it would be more fun to make Sasuke destroy his own house rather than simply stopping his move, so he grabbed poor traumatized Sasuke by the neck before he got too close and threw him back into the doorway, narrowly missing Sakura who had jumped into the prickly rose bushes in fright.

Sasuke disappeared in a cloud of dust as he smashed into something inside his own house, and then the explosion of the Chidori brought the house down on top of him with a huge crash. Sakura barely managed to get away in time as her dress/kimono thingie had gotten caught in the thorns.

But only one thought had pierced her shocked mind, and no, it was not about whether Sasuke was ok...

It was, _'Who is that awesomely hot sexxy guy standing there?'_

Itachi knew he was being stared at by a rather mindless girl who had to be about 5 years younger than him and a useless wimp, so he decided he might as well go and see if his little brother was dead or not.

When Itachi started walking towards her, Sakura almost felt her heart burst out of her chest. _'He's coming to ask me out on a date!'_ she squealed inwardly. She patted herself down and put on her brightest and cutest smile and opened her mouth to say something flirtatious…

And Itachi walked right past without sparing her the slightest glance. Sakura froze in shock as she replayed the scene over and over in her mind, searching for hidden hints he may have given her as a 'yes' sign. After a while, she realized that his hand had twitched ever so slightly right when he was closest to her.

_'That is a definite sign of approval!'_ cheered inner Sakura.

_'Heehee, he must be so shy to not say so right out!'_ cheered the normal Sakura.

The real reason for Itachi's little twitch was that he had thought it would be so very easy to just reach out and grab that little neck and _squeeeeeze_… but then he stopped himself and continued strolling nonchalantly towards the fallen house where Sasuke was presumably buried.

"Sasuke, where are you?" he called in his creepiest voice (which was pretty damn creepy) and rummaged through the rubble. After overturning a couple walls, he found Sasuke, unconscious and practically dead (but not quite) and decided that he might as well take him to the hospital. Then again, all the little insignificant shinobi would come out and try to attack him if he went into any populated areas… hmm, what was he to do?

'_Ahh, oh well. I'll just take him to the Kyubi container's house.'_ He finally decided, not knowing what else to do. Even though he was usually sadistically traumatizing his otouto, he actually, deep inside, REALLY deep inside, kinda sorta didn't really want him to die. For unknown reasons. Which is the only reason Sasuke is still alive after all this time.

So Itachi took his little brother to our little ramen bowl of sunshine's apartment. Naruto just happened to be home, nursing his injuries (both mental and physical) from Sakura earlier on, and was frankly a little shocked to see his (almost) worst enemy and his (kind of) best friend together. With Sasuke being nearly dead, of course, and Itachi looking a little pissed.

"Naruto-kun, would you give Sasuke and me shelter from a pack of rabid girls?"

Naruto blinked a couple times, then said, "Sure…"

Itachi immediately stepped inside, closed and locked the door behind him, and proceeded to stuff an unconscious Sasuke behind the couch.

"If anyone asks, we're not here." He said, calmly disappearing into thin air after he was sure Sasuke was hidden.

"Err… right…" Naruto said, speaking to nothingness. He stared around for a few seconds, then put his hands behind his head. "Oh well, nothing a bowl of ramen couldn't fix!" he grinned cheekily, and advanced to the cupboard. There were various kinds of ramen all stacked up on top of each other in neat little packets inside. Naruto decided on miso ramen and was just about to rip open the packet when the doorbell rang. A muffled 'meep' sounded from the couch area.

Naruto thought about answering the door, but, you know, that ramen was calling to him. The fact that Itachi had hissed, "Open the door and you die…" Into his ear may have helped as well. The doorbell rang again. Naruto continued peacefully preparing his ramen for consumption.

Suddenly, a shrill voice cried out. "Sasuke-kun's hott older brother and Sasuke-kuuuuuuun! Open the door, we know you're in there!" Naruto heard that voice in his dreams at night.

"Sakura-chan!" he yelped. _'She's finally come to see me!' _he inwardly squealed. As you can tell, Naruto hadn't really been listening too closely to what Sakura said. He heard something along the lines of, "I think you're hot, Naruto! Come out here and go on a date with me!"

Naruto rushed to the door, nimbly dodging a now-visible and pissed off Itachi, who tried to grab him (Itachi, miss? Impossible! Must be the psychic vibes the fangirls were giving off) and swinging open the door, revealing a wonderfully horrifying sight.

Girls. Many many girls. Many many many girls. Girls with all types and colors of hairstyles. Girls with pitchforks and torches. Girls slavering at the mouth. Girls reduced to a zombie-like staring mode and drooling voraciously. And the pink one, Sakura.

"Uhhh… Sakura-chan?" Naruto said, numbly staring at the enormous crowd of girls.

"Naruto! Get out of the beeping way!" Sakura shrieked viciously, elbowing her way past poor stunned Naruto into his house, followed by the screaming crowd of fangirls who nearly trampled him into the floor.

Itachi heard the onrushing flood of fangirls break into the Kyubi's shelter and ran for it, conveniently forgetting that Sasuke was still behind the couch and now fully conscious. Smashing a window, he jumped out onto a tree and disappeared.

Now, the fangirls gathered in and around Naruto's house were in two main groups. About half were the shrieking, squeally ditzy kind (Ino and Sakura-like) and the other half were the stalker, creepy kind (like Hinata… although she's cool). The Sakura ones were the ones doing the rushing around and screaming aimlessly and generally not getting anywhere. The Hinata ones were searching the house quietly and drooling large amounts of saliva on the floor.

At some point or another, Sasuke had been discovered behind the couch.

"AAAAAA! NARUTO GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE AND HELP ME!"

Naruto had been outside as his house was reduced to shambles by rabid fangirls, but he heard the plea for help… and from Sasuke, no less! It was like a dream come true! He could finally prove his worth to his rival. Naruto grinned gleefully as he imagined himself saving Sasuke from a large group of monsters (i.e. fangirls) and then flashing the 'victory' sign. In a best-case scenario, Sasuke would say something akin to "Naruto you're the best! I suck so much!"

Sasuke snapped Naruto out of his giggling fit. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! NOOOOOOOO! NOT THE HAIR!"

"Oh no! Sasuke!" Naruto shouted as he jumped through a window. A horrible sight greeted him. Fangirls had surrounded a struggling Sasuke and were attempting to cut locks of his hair off as keepsakes.

"Keep him still! Hold him down!" Sakura screeched, brandishing a pair of scissors wildly. But Sasuke wasn't the Uchiha heir for nothing. "Chidoriiii-gak!" The fangirls threw themselves onto him, knocking the wind out of him.

"Sasuke! Kage Bunshin no jutsu!" Naruto yelled, creating a dozen shadow clones who desperately tried to dig through the pile of fangirls.

Fangirls went flying up and around in the air as the Kage Bunshins dug through the humoungous pile surrounding poor Sasuke. "I'm coming, Sasuke!" they all yelled together.

But, there were just too many fangirls to deal with, and when they were thrown off, they simply picked themselves up and threw themselves on again. Plus, they had long fingernails that were as sharp as Itachi's kunais and used them to stab and poke at the Naruto clones.

"The pain!" said one clone as it was poofed out, covered in dozens of little bleeding cuts. The others quickly followed suit until Naruto was left all by himself, desperately trying to reach his friend under the writhing mass of bodies.

But, it became all too apparent that it was impossible, and Naruto was quickly running out of air.

"…Sa…su…ke…" he gasped before he blacked out. Sasuke had blacked out quite a while ago.

So, who will save our heroes? There's only a couple people in the world that could stand up to a crowd of rabid fangirls, and only two were available in Konoha. The first, and most obvious choice, would be Itachi. Because he can do anything. However, Itachi was currently nonchalantly drinking green tea in a shop that was quite far away from Naruto's apartment, and wasn't about to move anytime soon. The second choice… well, let's make you people think about it a bit.

It can't be Kakashi or Jiraiya, because they are perverts and would simply giggle and blush in the background upon seeing this many girls in one place. It can't be a woman… for obvious reasons. I mean, what girl besides Hinata can stand up against Sasuke's charm? Anyone else would join in with the fun.

So, the person would have to be a non-pervert male. Someone who was strong, who could scare the fangirls away without having to resort to _too _much violence since they were quite young and child violence is generally looked down upon, someone who, in fact, cherished all the people who were in the springtime of their life…

The obvious answer, especially after that last sentence, would be Gai. Gai, who could scare away all the fangirls simply by looking at them (Itachi can do that too, but for completely different reasons). And Gai now chose to make his appearance.

"Dynamic entry!" he shouted as he jumped in through the window, shattering the glass into a billion pieces and somehow managing to not even rip his tight green spandex suit. Fangirls scattered in all directions, but the core of them stayed huddled in a solidified lump around both Sasuke and Naruto, who were in dire need of saving. Luckily, Gai was good at this and was actually part of the Konoha District Anti-Fangirls Special Forces Unit.

"Don't worry, I'll save you!" he said dramatically and flashed his incredibly twinkly scary smile, giving a thumbs-up to the close-to-being-sick fangirls. They ran for their lives, screaming and squealing, hands flailing in all directions, until only Sakura was left. She sat, arms firmly wrapped around her precious Sasuke-kun, face buried into his back as she silently pleaded for the scary man to leave them alone.

Gai did no such thing. In fact, he stayed right where he was and started giving a speech.

"Ah, love, the springtime of one's youthfulness makes such a sweet and hip melody that it brings tears to my eyes. Sakura, you should treasure that feeling forever and ever, until the end of all eternity, for the feeling will never be the same again. I wish that in my spirited youthfulness I had experienced such a wondrous thing…"

Sakura ran away, hands clamped over her bleeding ears and tears flooding down her face.

And so Gai, not Itachi, not Sasuke, not Naruto, was the _real _hero of this story. Simply because I couldn't think of an ending. And Itachi didn't remember for quite a while that he was supposed to go and get the Kyubi demon. But that's for another time… possibly the next chapter, if I get enough reviews. So, tell me what you think. Truthfully. But not too harsh, ok? I was on sugar high when I wrote this whole thing in less than an hour.

If you reviewers like it enough... then I'll probably kill Sakura next chapter...


	2. Attempting to Recover

I don't NEED sugar highs to be random! But I do need them to turn out long chapters like that in less than an hour... hence the longness of time between updates.

I'm sorry, anyone who read or reviewed before I added in the reviewer responses. I was rushing and completely forgot about it. Today I saw the Pacifier, and then Constantine (by movie-hopping of course), and then came home to watch an episode of Trigun with my dad. Oh yes, my back is sore.

Warning: A very OOC Itachi… sorry, he just came off that way.

Naruto woke to a room that did not in any way resemble his own. First and foremost, it was clean. And the bed did not smell bad. And there was a distinct lack of that little walrus cap or whatever it is that Naruto always wears when he sleeps.

Gazing around the white-washed walls, Naruto tried to recall what had happened before he had come to this strange place. There was Sakura hitting him again for no reason... Sasuke and his freaky (and yet so awesome) older brother coming to hide in his apartment... fangirls breaking in... Sasuke suffocating in a dogpile of said fangirls... him rushing in... and then darkness.

The obvious conclusion: Naruto was dead. He had died from a lack of air. He had failed Sasuke. And most of all, he had never really enjoyed the springtime of his life to its fullest extent. How incredibly sad.

"N-Naruto-k-kun..." whispered a voice. "A-are you alright?"

'_Oh great, now an angel.' _Thought Naruto. _'Better than hell I guess.' _

"N-Naruto-kun? Can you hear me?"

A sudden pain blossomed on his cheek. When you're dead you're not supposed to feel pain! This wasn't right. He snapped his eyes to the right to notice some people that he had somehow overlooked before.

"S-Sakura-san... that wasn't nice..." said Hinata, blushing horribly and looking away as Naruto looked confusedly at her.

"You deserved it Naruto-baka! I'm only here because Sasuke-kun needed some time to be alone... He went through a really traumatizing experience! He nearly died! Poor Sasuke-kun!" moaned the evil pink-haired one.

"Eh...?" said Naruto, mouth hanging open slightly. As he remembered it, Sakura had been the leader of the fangirls that had nearly snipped off the source of all Sasuke's power, his hair. But that did not appear to be the case. ...Or was it?

"Anyways, now that you're awake and back to your stupid self, I'm going to see if Sasuke-kun is ready to accept my cuddling." Sakura whisked out of the room, leaving Hinata to stare at the floor and twiddle her thumbs nervously.

"So... Hinata-chan... why are you here?" said Naruto curiously. "And where exactly is here? And how did I get here?"

"Uhmm..." said Hinata, blushing a hot crimson. "I..."

Naruto just kept the same adorable expression on his face.

"I..." Hinata could feel the heat rise in her cheeks. She turned around and blurted out, "I-I wanted to see if you were ok, you're in the hospital and Gai-sensei brought you in yesterday!" before she ran away out of the room.

Naruto stared at the door for a few seconds before deciding that Hinata must have really needed to go to the bathroom and pulling himself out of bed and starting for the door himself.

"Ah, Sasuke-baka's here too? Guess I'd better check on that bastard..."

...Over there with Sasuke...

The first time Sakura had come over to check on Sasuke, he had thought he was experiencing a nightmare. He had woken up to find a heavy body draped over him, smothering him... trying to kill him! As one would expect, he immediately struggled with all his might and threw the body away from him. It slammed into the opposite wall. Hard, I might add.

When Sasuke peeked open his eyes to see whom the adversary had been, he had not expected it to be Sakura. Not that he was sorry or anything. That girl was really annoying. But it was still a surprise that his own teammate would be attempting to throttle him in his sleep. Just wasn't right, you know?

"S-Sasuke-kun?" said the still form of Sakura. "Sasuke-kun!" it shrieked and rose from its deathly position. Sasuke froze, eyes wide with horror, mouth hanging open.

Sakura threw herself at Sasuke again, this time managing to get her clammy hands around his throat. And then, horror of horrors, she _hugged _him. That just wasn't done. You can't do that. It deserved punishment.

"Chidor-" he started, but then the door came flying open and Ino stormed inside. Upon seeing Sakura embracing Sasuke, she shrieked with envy and tore the pink-haired one off of Sasuke.

"Sakura-forehead!"

"Ino-pig!"

Their eyes sparked in a way much reminiscent of Sasuke and Naruto before they kissed. However, I would not bestow the repulsion of kissing Sakura on anyone, not even Ino. So, in other words, they didn't kiss.

Instead, Kakashi chose that exact moment to walk in. On seeing the two girls almost start a catfight, he sighed, clapped his hands together once to gain their attention, and jabbed his thumb at the door.

"Awww..." they said together and walked dejectedly out the doorway to have a 'talk'. Once outside, Kakashi put his hands on his heads and glared severely at the two girls.

"Sasuke has been through a very traumatizing experience. Right now, he needs to recuperate. I will inform you when he is ready to see you two." The two girls sighed, nodded, and marched off.

"Ah, wait, Sakura?" The pink-haired one turned and looked questioningly at her sensei. "You should check on Naruto as well. Support the team, right?"

Sakura rolled her eyes, but she couldn't disobey her teacher, so she went to find Naruto.

Which brings us to this time period. Kakashi had come back in and critically observed his student for a few seconds. "If you're still worried about your experience, try and get some more sleep. You and Naruto are both confined to the hospital until further notice. If you feel well enough, you can go visit him. He tried very hard to save you, you know."

Sasuke looked at his hands and shrugged. "Whatever."

"Well, bye then." Kakashi poofed out.

Sasuke lay back down on his pillow and attempted to get some sleep. However, he shot up again just a millisecond later when another poof entered the room.

"...Otouto?" said Itachi, glancing around the room. "Where's your friend?"

"Itachi! I'll kill you!" snarled Sasuke as he jumped out of bed and started the Chidori. (seriously, you guys know the drill. Do I really have to write it out? Ah whatever, I will for kicks.) Itachi stared at the mass of blue chakra crackling in Sasuke's hand before licking one of his own fingers and snuffing the Chidori out like a candle.

Sasuke sat down on the bed with a thump, staring at his trembling hand in utter astonishment. Itachi smirked and sat on the bed too. "You know, Sasuke, it's time we had a little brotherly chat."

Sasuke turned, very slowly, to look at Itachi's smirking face. _'This can't be good...'_

"So how have you been since I left, Sasuke? You've done pretty well in the academy and progressed as a ninja..." Itachi paused and ran his hand through his own hair. "Of course, you didn't do even _half _as well as _me_..." he finished, smirking at his little brother's enraged expression.

Seeing as how Sasuke didn't really look like he was going to speak, Itachi continued. "It's been, what, five years or so? Since we've had a good chat, I mean. It's a little depressing really. We're brothers and we never talk, just fight. Don't you agree, Sasuke?"

Sasuke glared. "I hate you." He stated plainly.

"Now, that isn't nice, Sasuke. Here I am, trying to be nice and you have to ruin it all by being like that. _This _is why we haven't been getting along." Said Itachi looking out of the corner of his eye to see the reaction of his little brother. He was so fun to mess with.

"We haven't been _getting along _because you killed everyone." Sasuke's voice was icy cold.

"That's not true. I left you and me alive, didn't I? I'm such a good brother, and look how you've treated me."

"You only left me alive to keep the fangirls off your ass, and you know it." Sasuke snarled. "They almost killed Naruto and me yesterday. I swear, you really need to take your half!"

"Ah well, Sasuke... I don't know about that. I can't have fangirls _and _ANBU _and _hunter-nins _and _Orochimaru _and _you _and _miscellaneous other people, shinobi and civilian alike, all trying to get me in their own ways all at once. It just becomes too confusing. Then again..." Itachi raised a finger and tapped his chin twice, thinking. "...I could just kill everyone I see... but that could cause problems with Kisame... Hmm... decisions, decisions..."

"...Get out."

Itachi turned, smirking widely. "Why, am I _bothering _you, Sasuke? My goodness, if I had _known_..." Sasuke cut him off.

"Get out!" he snarled, eyes blazing crimson.

Itachi stared coldly. "You should try and keep the Sharingan on all the time, Sasuke. That way it will progress faster. And another plus, you can look just like me!"

"Get the fuck out!" Sasuke yelled and attempted to attack his brother, who dodged easily and pulled Sasuke's arms behind his back.

"Don't use foul language, Sasuke, it's so rude!" Itachi grinned, pulling on Sasuke's arms, painfully stretching the muscles. Sasuke gritted his teeth and shut his eyes, unsuccessfully struggling against his brother's iron grip.

"Do you _enjoy _torturing me?" Sasuke practically screamed.

Itachi stopped pulling and cocked his head to one side. "I thought the answer to that would be obvious. It's quite amusing. No matter HOW much stronger I am than you are, and no matter _what _I say or do, you're still going to keep on trying to kill me. Fascinating human psychology, really. So irrational."

Sasuke didn't answer, so suddenly, Itachi decided he was bored and let his brother go free. "I'll be back to traumatize you again some other time, Sasuke. Until then, train hard! Oh yes, if there's anything you want to say to your Kyubi friend, I suggest you tell me now, because I'm going to be taking him with me."

"I _will _avenge my clan! Just you wait!" growled Sasuke.

"Alright, I'll tell Naruto that you said that. Strange, I don't know whether he will fully comprehend your statement or not. Whatever." Itachi shrugged and tapped Sasuke on the forehead once, knocking him out, before exiting via the sliding hospital door.

Humming boredly, Itachi strolled down the hallways of the hospital, quickly erasing his presence from everyone's mind who he happened to cross paths with, leaving quite a few dazed and confused nurses and doctors milling about in the hallways. Itachi considered hypnotizing them to go and traumatize his brother some more, but decided that he had done enough damage to his otouto's sanity for one day. Actually, for an entire lifetime. Or more.

"_I hate you."_

Itachi stopped and shook his head rapidly. No, Sasuke's words did not bother him at all. Not one bit. Nope. Nu uh. Of course not, it was unconceivable.

Itachi continued his leisurely walk down the hall.

_Not at all._

With Naruto

When Naruto exited his little hospital room, he had had the intention of finding his rival to see if he was still alive. Then, he would gloat over how he saved the baka's ass and whatnot. Because it was fun. And he was bored. And that's probably what Sasuke would have done to him. Or maybe not. Anyways.

"Ramen, ramen, ramen..." Naruto chanted softly, his voice echoing down the strangely quiet and empty hallway. Each step he took sent a chill down his spine. As he progressed further, the feeling only increased. _'Why is it so fricking quiet?'_

Then, all hell broke loose. But not really. That would have been fun, though. What I mean is that several different things started happening at once.

First, was that all the doors that lined the hallway burst open and revealed...

THE RETURN OF THE EVIL POSSESSED RABID FANGIRLS! (cue dramatic music)

"Yar!" they shouted in unison and charged towards poor newly-recovered Naruto. Then they all fell face flat.

"YOU'RE not Sasuke-kun!" shrieked a girl that very very strongly resembled Sakura. Ok, it was her.

"No..." said Naruto uneasily. "I'm not." He hesitated for a moment and then started walking again, quickly cutting through the crowd of speechless zombie-like creatures. "I'll tell him you wanted to see him, though." He called back.

"NO!" yelled Ino who had magically materialized in the crowd. "If he finds out, then we'll never be able to catch him off guard!" There was a general muttering throughout the crowd.

"Hey... that guy... isn't he your teammate, number one?" hissed one fangirl to Sakura.

"Yeah, that bastard is always opening his big fat mouth and yammering on about Sasuke-kun in the most un-nice ways." Stated Sakura, putting her hands on her hips and glaring at the retreating back of Naruto. "He can never keep his mouth shut about anything!"

There was a pause. "Get him! He's going to tell Sasuke-kun!" screeched someone. All the girls froze rigidly and then started running like terminators at Naruto. (You know the scary rigid hand motion thingie...no? Nevermind.)

"AAAAAAA!" yelled Naruto at the top of his lungs as he flailed his arms uselessly in the air behind him as he tried to outrun the horde of fangirl barbarians. They barreled past countless rooms at blinding speeds, sending up big clouds of dust (in a hospital?).

Naruto could feel the beginnings of his demon awakening as he pushed himself to the limit. But letting out the Kyubi here could cause unfathomable damage to the innocent people in the hospital.

Struggling against the chakra inside his stomach, he failed to notice the sudden appearance of a person in front of him.

"OOF!" said Naruto and Itachi at the same time as they crashed headlong into each other.

"AAAAAAH!" screamed Naruto, pointing at Itachi.

"EEEEEEEE!" said the fangirls as they skidded to a stop pointing at Itachi.

Itachi looked at his target, then the number of enemies, then his target again. He was seriously outnumbered. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

Itachi ALMOST ran away, but then he remembered that he was supposed to be awesome and would never do something so uncool. But then he remembered that this was his LIFE we were talking about, so he should run anyway. It's not like he hasn't done it before. In fact, he even ran away from Gai and Jiraiya, the weirdest ninjas that one can find anywhere.

SO.

Itachi was ABOUT to run, but then he realized that he had thought about it too much and was now being tackled by numerous fangirls, dozens of which lay on the ground, dead or unconscious. It appears that his body had reacted to their threat automatically.

Then again, the fangirls had come PREPARED this time. They brought out their ultra-super-mega-awesome-guy-catcher. Which looked like a big butterfly net. And that's pretty much what it was.

"Now…" chuckled the fangirls, eyes flashing red. "See if you can escape!"

Author's Notes: Yup. The sucky second chapter. w00t.

MewRKW1- Thank you! Review again!

Tsugath- Wow, you really thought it was that funny? Apparently I have great writing skills when I'm not really paying attention to what I'm writing… hehe, sorry, this chapter isn't as good. I don't think so, anyways. Come again!

Dragon Man 180- Eh, I put Hinata in! Not quite in the way that you asked for, but she did make an appearance! And she's sure to show up again. Thank you and review again!

Anonymous- YES! Go Gai! I love his Dynamic Entry, it just had me going WTF and then staring at the screen in astonishment for several seconds. Thank you and come again!

Wolfe- Hope you don't mind, used your idea for Itachi keeping Sasuke alive all these years up there… I just thought it was really hilarious. Thank you and read again!

Chesiere Cat- Ah yes, that just came out of the top of my head. W00t for Gai! Thank you!

VanillaYumez- I was going to wait to kill Sakura until a bit later… no worries, she WILL die! Die Sakura! (stabstabstab)

Backspace- Ah yes, the wonders of sugar high can produce insane fanfics like this. Try it some time!

RandomUserName- Hell yeah, I would probably be right there with all of them. Ok, maybe not. I prefer my anime people alive. Your review brought a really hilarious image into my head! LOL, review again!

mrasdfghj- Well, it is apparently not going to be a one-shot, but my Akima story is probably higher on my priority list.

aardvark of death- Lol, thank you! There was your chappie, not as good as the first one though, sorry. But who knows, I might get my hands on some candy later on…

hakia seana- Yeah, one can never get enough violence. I will kill Sakura! I'm still trying to think of a hilarious way to do it. Hmm… death by refrigerator.. interesting… I am OBVIOUSLY a drooling zombie fangirl, can't you tell? If I was a Sakura one, then don't you think I would have written more romantic-type stuff (ick, btw) in Akima? Itachi is MINE! MINE! You can have Gaara and Hiei. As long as Itachi is mine, I'm happy.


	3. Defeat the UltraSuperMegaAwesomeGuyCatch...

Dragon Man 180- Yes, yes, I see what you're getting at with 'Hinata coming to the rescue', but as I'm sure you are aware of from reading my other story... I have an insane fear or writing fluffy romantic-type stuff (shudder). Anyways, another reason Hinata won't be a big character in this is because... I like bashing. I mean, seriously, every character-bashing. Or at least making fun of them in some way. Even Itachi, my fav char, had to go through some traumatizing experiences. Plus, Hinata isn't any fun to make fun of, because I actually like her. The only thing I could possibly suck some hilarity out of is her stuttering, and since it's something that she can't help, it's not funny! Like making fun of a blind person, except not as bad. With Neji, Lee, Sasuke... EVERYBODY... I can make fun of their faults. I can make Neji rant, Lee get drunk, Sasuke brood like hell and go crazy... and Itachi traumatize Sasuke. This is a long response. Anyways, I will stop blabbering and let you get to the story. Thank you and come again!

YoungSasuke- Lol, that's what sugar highs do, they make me write random crap. I wouldn't be surprised if more than half of this is... well... crap. In fact, I'd be surprised if it wasn't. Neways, Thanks and come again!

KunochiDreamer- Glad you liked it! Thanks and come again!

hujin- Lol, that's right, I would probably be right there with them, then die in a splatter of blood. ItachiAwesome... Thank you and come again!

Nk- Lol, don't know what was up with that net... I really don't, it was a weird idea that simply popped into my head...

Anonymous- Lol, I loooove Gai's Dynamic Entry! It was the greatest thing ever! As for other random attacks, we all love... um... I can't think of any other funny attacks... I can think of a lot of cool ones! Tsukiyomi! Ha! ...yeah...

MewRKW1- Lol, thank you! Randomness is the best, especially when one is on sugar high...

Yamimizu-chan- Gai IS such an awesome character! I put in his mini-version... cuz you got to admit, Drunk Lee is the greatest thing since... Itachi. And his awesomeness. Lee won't get drunk in this chapter, but he surely will later on... beware, fangirls, beware!

hakia seana- Yes! Itachi is mine! Mine mine mine... I should totally get a poster of Kimi and then he would be mine too... and Itachi and Kimi could hang out on the roof with Gaara, Hiei, and Kurama... and Drunk Lee! W00t! Itachi grinned once in the show... but it was when he was torturing Sasuke at the hotel in the whole black and white reversed thingie... I'll try to find the picture he looked pretty scary and awesome!

pbjsandwich- Lol, thank you! Sugar highs are funny things... they make one write funny stories! (apparently, anyways...) Thank you, here's your update!

Defeat the Ultra-Super-Mega-Awesome-Guy-Catcher!

"Mwahahaha!" chuckled the evil fangirls as they waved the net around threateningly. "You cannot escape! Now, submit!"

"Never!" shouted Itachi and Naruto together, then they turned to look at each other, surprised.

"They're after you?" said Itachi, raising an eyebrow.

"No! We're after YOU, Itachi-sama!" squeaked random fangirl number 456. Itachi gave her an Uchiha death glare, which was 100 times more powerful than Sasuke's, and she died on the spot, blood splurting from her eyes. (ewww)

"Number 456!" shrieked Sakura. "We must complete our mission for her sake! Now fangirls, attack!" she pointed a finger at Itachi.

"Rar!" said the fangirls as they charged at Itachi.

"I think my time here is done." Said Itachi as he backed nervously away from the dangerous rabble. "Come on, Naruto."

Naruto merely looked at him with a confused expression. "They're not after _me_." he said, crossing his arms. "You're just want to kidnap me."

Itachi made a 'ch' sound (he was the one who taught chibi-Sasuke how to do it) and pulled a big bag out of nowhere. "You have .4 seconds to get in."

"N-" started Naruto, but then his time was up and Itachi stuffed him in the bag and took off like he had a band of rabid fangirls after him. Which he did. But that wasn't the point. What I meant was that he ran away really fast. But I'm sure you got that and didn't need this stupid explanation. I'll shut up now.

"No, come back Itachi-sama!" screamed the fangirls.

"Don't give up hope!" shrieked Sakura. "Sasuke-kun is still here!"

"That's right!" cheered Ino. "Let's go get him, quick!"

They all cheered and ran after Sakura, who led the way to Sasuke's hospital room. Throwing open the sliding door, they were suddenly shocked into silence upon seeing a sleeping Sasuke on the bed. Unbeknownst to them, Sasuke had actually been knocked out by his evil older brother just a little while earlier.

He awoke to an unpleasant surprise. For the second time that day, someone was trying to suffocate him as he slept. He struggled hopelessly against the body that was pressing down on him. Muffled squeaks were heard, and miraculously, the weight moved off.

"Sasuke-kun!" squealed all the fangirls dreamily.

"AAAAAAAA!" he screamed as he shot up. Was this a nightmare! Where was he! What had happened! Then, in a flash, everything came back. "Itachi! Stay away from Naruto!" he yelled at the top of his lungs for no reason.

"Sasuke-kun?" said all the fangirls as he fought to get up.

"You're injured!" said Sakura suddenly, gesturing at the dark purple bruise on his forehead where Itachi had tapped him. "Here, I'll kiss it better…"

Sasuke turned green and retched, before blasting his way out the door. "Hold on, dobe!"

"Wait, come back!" shrieked Ino, trying to latch herself on to him before he could leave, but missed dramatically and fell on her face.

Sasuke sprinted down the empty hallway, sharingan activated, trying to locate the loud-mouthed ninja. However, he had absolutely no idea which room he was in, so he was forced to jump down the stairs to reach the front desk.

"Where's Naruto!" he shouted into the receptionist's shocked face.

She coughed a little before ruffling through her files. "Um… Uzumaki Naruto.. he should be in room 421…" she looked up to realize that Sasuke had already left without even saying thank you. "Eh?"

Sasuke found 421 with no trouble and bashed in the door, not caring about having to pay for damage expenses. He was filthy rich anyways.

"Naruto!" he shouted into the room. However, the blond baka was not there, only a surprised Hyuuga girl stared at him fearfully.

'_Phew!' _thought Sasuke, realizing that Hinata was not a Sasuke rabid fangirl. She was a Naruto rabid fangirl. And that meant that she would know where he was!

"Where's Naruto?" he said, suddenly regaining his earlier panic and grabbing the shy girl's shoulders, shaking her roughly. "Where did he go!"

"Um…" said Hinata, very much confused. "I-I don't know…" she confessed. "He was here before…"

Sasuke went pale (even more pale than usual, but not quite to the Orochimaru level) and snapped at her again. "Well, find him with your Byakugan, it's urgent!"

Hinata twiddled her thumbs and blushed for a second before conceding. "Byakugan!"

She gazed around for a few seconds before releasing the jutsu and shrugging hopelessly at Sasuke. "I c-can't find him… he's probably h-hiding his chakra signature… N-Neji-niisan might be able to find him though, he's b-better at it than me…" Hinata looked at the ground.

"Well then, where's Neji!" Sasuke shouted.

"Right here." Sounded a voice from behind him. Sasuke whipped around and immediately grabbed the other Hyuuga's shirt.

"Find Naruto, right now!"

Neji glared at Sasuke and then said to Hinata, "Hinata-sama, your dad says that you have to come home now."

"A-Alright, thank you, nii-san…" with an apologetic look at Sasuke, Hinata walked out of the room. Neji's eyes followed her and then snapped back to glare at Sasuke, who was still grabbing his shirt.

"Why do you need to find Naruto, Sasuke?" he asked calmly.

Sasuke growled. "That's none of your business! Just find him!"

Neji cleared his throat and began to give a speech. "Actually, it is my business. Everything is predetermined. You asking me for help was destiny. Judging from the look in your eyes, Naruto must be in a lot of danger. But, being the Uchiha that you are, you would be much too proud to ask anyone to join you on this mission. Therefore, it is your and my fate to go and-"

Sasuke shook Neji around a little. "Shut up! Just find him!"

Neji gave an eeeevil glare. "You interrupted my speech." He stated plainly. "I'm going. You cannot escape fate!" Neji used the Byakugan and was able to spot Naruto's chakra very far away and moving at an ungodly speed. He walked over to a window, and, after glancing at Sasuke, jumped out and began running. Sasuke followed after a moment's hesitation.

"In order to find Naruto, you must tell me what's going on, otherwise I'll change your fate into running in circles." Called Neji to Sasuke, smirking.

"Ch, fine!"

Meanwhile…

"Oi, you bastard! Let me out! I hate you! Your little brother is an asshole but you're a hundred times worse! Your entire family is stupid! Where are you taking me anyways! Where's your shark friend! When are you going to feed me! I want ramen! I want it right now! Let me out, bastard! Your hair looks girly!"

Itachi paused in mid-sprint. "Nani?" he said coldly to the bag on his back that held a struggling Naruto. Inside, Naruto smirked. He had finally hit a chord in the emotionless Uchiha's brain.

"I said, YOUR HAIR LOOKS GIRLY!" shouted Naruto as loud as he could. Instantly, he felt himself on the ground. There was silence.

Itachi stared at the bag, barely containing his fury. _'This brat… I'll make his life hell…'_

"What are you doing! Helloooo out there! Demon on the ground! Precious, precious, Kyubi on the ground!" yelled Naruto, kicking the bag.

Itachi reined in his anger and picked up the bag once more.

"I'm hungry, so we're going to stop at that ramen restaurant over there." Said Itachi.

"What! Really! Yay, ramen ramen ramen ramen!" Naruto chanted. "I want 5 miso ramens!"

Itachi let out a creepy chuckle. "I'm the one who's going to eat it, brat. You can just sit in there and smell it."

He smirked as Naruto increased his squirming. "Noooooo! That's too cruel!"

Back with Sasuke and Neji!

"Your evil evil evil brother is after Naruto? Why?" asked Neji as they sprinted down a road, kicking up clouds of dust.

"I don't know, but he's been after him before. That was the time when certain circumstances made it impossible for me to defeat him." Said Sasuke, smoothly skirting the complete truth.

"You mean, that was the time when he beat the crap out of you and you went into a coma?" said Neji.

"No!" snarled Sasuke, glaring at the Hyuuga. "You are mistaken!"

"I see." Stated Neji lightly, shaking his head in amusement. "Don't worry about it too much, it was your destiny-"

Now, at that moment, Sasuke felt about ready to tear Neji limb from limb, and he most certainly would have, if someone hadn't come between him and his opponent, grabbing his foot and twisting him off-balance.

"In the springtime of one's life, you shouldn't waste your burning fighting spirit on such un-hip things as fighting between good friends!" said the mini-version of Gai, eyes ablaze.

"Lee!" said Neji and Sasuke in surprise.

"What are you doing here?" said Sasuke, still a little disgruntled about how his 'wonderful beating up of the stupid Hyuuga' had been interrupted. That was the SECOND time that Lee had interfered in one of his fights! (The first time being before the 1st part of the Chuunin Exam)

"I was sent by Gai-sensei to go get Neji for a surprise mission!" cheered Lee. "Tenten is checking around inside Konoha."

"Well, Lee, it must be your fate that you were sent out here to find us and actually did find us… about ten miles away from the gates of Konohagakure…" said Neji, raising an eyebrow. "There's no such thing as coincidence!"

"Actually," said Sasuke, butting in. "Lee was probably instructed to run towards the sunset until he found Neji or something."

"Yes, you got me Sasuke." Said Lee, rubbing the back of his head like Naruto always does. "But the eternal light of Gai-sensei's brilliance in sending me this way burns brighter than ever!"

"Right…" said Neji as Sasuke sweatdropped. Unlike Neji, Sasuke was unused to Lee and Gai's… how should I put it? Uniqueness? Yeah.

"Um, so are you going to help us rescue Naruto then?" said Sasuke. "We're kind of in a hurry."

"Naruto is in danger! We must put our lives on the line to rescue them! This is the highlight of our young lives!" shouted Lee, clenching a fist dramatically.

"I'll take that as a yes. Let's go." Sasuke jumped off, swiftly followed by Neji and Lee.

With Itachi!

Itachi entered the ramen shop with a struggling sack of yelling Naruto over his shoulder. The servers did not seem to notice. After all, Uchiha Itachi's face, eyes, funny hat, and cloak were quite famous. The last time someone had refused to serve him or had attempted to 'tattle' on him, they had been reduced to a slimy lump of green-ish puke colored flesh. (mmm…) And Itachi ALWAYS knew who had told on him. Because he was just so awesome that way.

Anyways, he sat down at a table and threw Naruto into the other seat as he patiently waited for a menu. As usual, there was a little squabble in-between all the servers over who would risk their life and serve him, and then the person who bravely volunteered would quickly scribble out a will while the other servers laid dibs on his or her stuff.

The unlucky person who was going to serve Itachi was a young girl with short brown hair who was obviously very, very, VERY nervous. Itachi looked up at her as she stuttered out the customary greeting and told him about the daily specials as well as asking him what he would like to drink.

Itachi toyed with the idea of creeping her out even more by making his sharingan spin, but then decided against it. He didn't want her to drop his meal or something. "Miso ramen, and water." He stated in his awesome voice, and she nodded quickly and jotted it down with trembling hands.

"A-anything else?" she squeaked, attempting to smile. Itachi shook his head and, after bowing, she scurried off to do his bidding and, of course, move his order to the very top of the list. Perk of being a feared S-class criminal.

"Oi, Mrs. Waitress! Aren't you going to inquire about what the wiggling sack is all about! Call the ANBU or something! Huh!" screamed Naruto from inside his sack. The waitress froze and peeked over her shoulder. Itachi gave a glare with one billionth of his power that sent her off again.

When the miso ramen came, Naruto increased his yelling and struggling tenfold, even attempting to use Kage Bunshin no Jutsu to burst the bag open and the Rasengan, but nothing worked. That bag was specially made by Akatsuki, and it would not break open. Ever. Probably.

Itachi smirked at the bag as he slurped slowly and contentedly at his ramen, making sure that Naruto could hear him. It was at this point that Naruto broke down and started bawling his eyes out, making Itachi clap his hands to his ears, wincing.

"WAAAAAAAH!" yelled Naruto, cracking the windows and breaking Itachi's water glass, which earned him a glare that went unnoticed.

"Ok, ok!" said Itachi, smacking the crying Kyubi through the sack, shutting him up for a second. "I'll give you a bowl if you just shut up for the rest of the trip." Naruto was silent, which either meant he was following Itachi's orders, or had been knocked out. More likely the latter, come to think of it.

Sighing, Itachi asked the shuddering serving girl to put the rest of his ramen in a container for him to take along, and then paid, making sure to leave the correct tip. As he placed his awesome Uchiha wallet back in the awesome secret compartment in his awesome Akatsuki cloak, he failed to notice that his awesome Uchiha wallet had not only not gone all the way into its awesome secret compartment, but that it had fallen on the un-awesome floor. Perhaps his head was still ringing from Naruto's shrieks? Who knows. Whatever it was, Itachi was having a really bad day.

Author's Notes: Yup. There you go. Not very good is it? It's sad, I might actually be having a plot. We can't have that, now can we? Drunk Lee rules... that's the whole reason he randomly showed up. Neji was there so he could babble about fate. The fangirls and their big net have not randomly disappeared, they will show up... later... and Lee could just so happen to be drunk at that time... Mwahahaha! Review!


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